It has been a pretty awful couple of months around here. It started when Mommy stopped taking her anxiety medication. I had several reasons for doing so. All of which at the time seemed legit. I lasted almost three months before it started to hit. I fought Grump for a long time. Except, I was losing the battle- daily. It got to the point where I couldn't keep it together anymore and I went to the doctor to get my medication. Unfortunately, you kids take the brunt of my anxiety outbursts. I thought I was doing pretty well not taking it out on you until one day when I said, "Mommy doesn't feel good so I need you to be quiet and play nice while I rest with Rusty."
Hunter responded, "Oh good. I'm glad. You haven't been very nice to us lately."
In the moment I was so mad at Hunter. Sighing and rolling my eyes I went to rest. Then just a couple hours later I found myself in the Emergency Room getting told I needed an appendectomy. I ended up being in the hospital for 6 days. All I could think about when I was in the hospital was what Hunter said. The day after my surgery my blood pressure was really low and I wasn't doing very well. I kept praying to God," Don't let it end like this. I can do better. I don't want to be remembered as mean mommy. Let me get it right first."
Well, it was a pretty awful road to recovery but we've been playing coin battle and cards together. Every day we get along a little bit better. I'm back on my anxiety medication and don't have any intentions of ever coming off it. I never want anything to get in the way of my being able to show you how loved you are again.
Through this whole miserable mess of a year I think I've come to the conclusion that we can always do better. We're never going to "get it right". Thank you God for knowing that and sending Jesus to pay the price for us. His grace and mercy are undeserved and never ending. There will be times in this family where one or all of us needs undeserved grace and mercy from each other and my hope is that we are a family that will give it abundantly.
I love you so much. I always love you- even on my darkest days. Thank You for loving me too.
XOXO
Mommy
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